


Hogwarts High

by GhostofBambi



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: CW Parody, F/M, Harry Potter Parody, I'm just going to keep repeating that it's a parody, Parody, Please Don't Take This Seriously, alternate universe - parody, it's just for jokes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2020-06-25 21:50:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19754470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostofBambi/pseuds/GhostofBambi
Summary: AKA Lily and James are in a CW teen drama. Parody fic. To be updated as and when I'm feeling ridiculous.





	1. "Pilot"

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dorcasdeadowes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dorcasdeadowes/gifts), [ohpottermycaptain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohpottermycaptain/gifts).



> This first chapter is already viewable as part of Drabble Me This, but my friend Chara asked me nicely, so I'm turning it into a casual parody multi-chapter that I will update whenever I need a mental cleanse. Just exercising my mockery bone here, guys, nothing to see.

James Potter sat in the Plothole Diner with his friends, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. They all had milkshakes and burgers, none of which they touched at any point, and yet they never went hungry.

"Things are so bad with my parents," said Sirius moodily. His father was the cold and unloving head of Black Industries Inc. and his mother drank away her pain.

"My mom and dad are driving me crazy," said Remus, whose parents were pushy overachievers. "No wonder I'm so snappy and neurotic."

Peter, whose parents had died in a massive explosion, said nothing. He picked up his burger, remembered that he wasn't supposed to eat it, and put it back down again.

James also said nothing. He had a Supportive Single Dad, but he was still full of angst.

A bell rang, signalling that someone had walked into the diner. All four boys immediately turned to look at the door even though it was a busy diner and the bell rang all the time.

A girl with red hair walked through the door in slow motion, and James noticed her immediately. His eyes widened as she moved gracefully to the counter and ordered a coffee to-go. She looked over at him and smiled enigmatically.

"Who is _she?"_ he said to his friends.

"Lily Evans," said Remus, who knew everything on account of his mother being the mayor of Hogwartsville. "She just moved here from the city after her father lost everything in a class-action lawsuit and her parents got divorced. Now she lives with her mom and her cruel sister. They have nothing to their name."

Peter wondered why, if Lily had nothing to her name, she was wearing designer clothes and carrying a $3,000 handbag, but he said nothing. He was a tertiary character on account of his lack of hotness, and barely had any lines.

*****

James Potter's Supportive Single Dad (Mario Lopez) was hard at work at the art gallery he owned when an old friend stopped by.

"Hello, James's Dad," she said, with a wry smile.

"Lily's Mom," said James's Dad. "What a surprise to see you. It's been years."

"Yes," said Lily's Mom (Elizabeth Berkley), tossing her long red hair. "Years since our fleeting romance, which ultimately ended in us marrying other people and having children with them."

"But the flame remains," said James's Dad.

"Yet, we're from Different Worlds," said Lily's Mom.

"That's so true, Lily's Mom," said James's Dad flirtatiously. "Let's make-out, date, break up and remain close friends. It has to be this way."

"Of course," said Lily's Mom. "Because my daughter and your son are Endgame."

*****

The next day, at school, James, Sirius, Remus and Peter sat on comfortable couches with cups of coffee. Nobody else ever sat in those couches, though there were a lot of other students milling around. That was pretty much all they did during the day. Nobody ever went to class.

Some jocks walked by and made fun of Remus by calling him things like, "Freak!" and "Nerd!"

"You know, you might want to refrain from tossing insults around when you're working as an oppressed, suburban fry-cook in a rough neighbourhood," said Remus pithily.

The jocks lunged for him but James rose up in outraged majesty and punched one of them in the face.

Peter looked down at his notepad and crossed _fist fight within the first two episodes_ off his list.

*****

"Son," said James's Supportive Single Dad. "You can't punch people at school. You're captain of the water polo team. Think how this will look on your college application."

"I can't help it, Pops," said James, in an angsty way. "I'm just trying to figure out who I am."

"Who you are is my son. I need you to talk to me. How can I help if I don't know what's going on with you?"

"You just don't understand."

"You're grounded," said his father, knowing that this meant nothing, and that James could come and go as he pleased. "Go to your room."

"Fine," said James. He walked sadly away. It was so difficult to be attractive, wealthy, talented and intelligent. He had too many opportunities and too many girls wanted him.

*****

James was in his room, being grounded, when he saw her, Lily Evans. As it happened, she was his neighbour. His window handily looked into her window. As she slipped a camisole over her lithe body, she saw him watching. An unspoken agreement passed between them.

Five minutes later, James met her in his yard.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," she said.

They smiled shyly at one another.

"So," said James.

"So," said Lily.

"Wanna go to a movie?"

"I'd love to, but I can't," said Lily, twisting her diamond bracelet around her wrist. "I'm kinda broke. I got a job at the record store to help my Mom but…" She shrugged. "It's hard without Dad here."

"That's deep and cool," said James. "Want to go to the Quarter-Moon-Winter-Semi-Formal-Formal Dance at school?" Hogwarts High never needed an excuse for a dance.

"Sure," said Lily. "But let's stare intensely at each other first."

They started making out.

*****

The moody, mysterious Sirius Black stood on his porch and looked across the land. He had just come from another fight with his father, who wanted him to do things like Grow Up and Take More Responsibility, yet he knew that his father was involved in dodgy deals, so it was a tough situation.

"I hate living on the wrong side of the tracks," he said, and it was true. He _did_ live on the wrong side of the tracks. His school, the mall and the diner were all on the other side, and Sirius had to cross them every day to go anywhere. It was really annoying.

Just then, a train went by and a body was flung from it. It landed at Sirius' feet. It was the body of a secondary character Sirius knew!

"Well, that was convenient," said Sirius.


	2. "insert Imagine Dragons song title"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank Marissa from The OC for existing. I couldn't have written this chapter without you, you insufferable brat.

"I can’t believe he’s dead," said James, staring down at the body.

"Neither can I," Sirius echoed.

"I can’t believe someone would dump a body right outside a local mobster's house in some puerile, hackneyed attempt at a frame job," said Remus, who was allowed to make rudely inappropriate statements during sombre moments because he was the witty one.

"Guess I better call the police," said Sirius.

"You did the right thing, calling us first," said James, clapping Sirius on the back while Remus searched the body's clothing for clues, contaminating the scene, and Peter's eyes bugged out of his head in disbelief. "We'll get to the bottom of this."

"Looks like he was killed before he was thrown," said Remus seriously.

"How do you know?" said James.

Remus pointed. "The huge knife sticking out of his chest."

"Right," said Sirius, already bored and wishing he could go back to resenting his dad, who would no doubt downplay Sirius's achievements as meaningless when he and his friends cracked this case, just as he had when Sirius had saved those orphans from the fire, or when he'd discovered a cure for asthma in his bio class. "RIP Dylan, I guess."

"RIP Dylan," James agreed.

"We'll find the scumbags who did this, Dylan," Remus promised.

Peter shifted where he stood and pressed his lips together tightly. He knew that the dead guy's name was Cole, not Dylan, but he couldn’t tell his friends because he still wasn't hot enough to have lines. His only job was to humiliate himself in front of the girl he had a crush on and make James look even handsomer in comparison.

*****

"How's your day going, son?" said James's dad (Peter Gallagher) at dinner, brandishing a Chinese takeout container.

"Punched any more miscreants today?" quipped his mother (Teri Hatcher), who had just returned from a weekend-long spa trip she'd taken with the other local wasps. Despite her obvious overreliance on red wine, James's mom wasn't like the other wasps because she had depth of character, and loved her son, while all of the other wasps were notoriously withholding and obsessed only with appearances. Also, she wasn't blonde.

Angst tore at James's heart. He didn't know how to tell his parents of his anguish. He was torn between his commitments to the big water polo final and to the school musical, both of which happened to be taking place on the exact same day at the exact same time, despite the fact that it would be understandably ridiculous for any school to hold both huge events at once because it would cause a scheduling conflict for several students.

Also, he had just seen a dead body, but that was a lesser issue. He and his friends had solved three murders over the summer alone.

"I'm fine! Stop pressuring me!" he cried, pounding his fist firmly on the table. If he told his parents of his worries, they might have given him helpful advice that would solve the problem immediately, and then he would be no kind of lead character. "And pass the egg rolls, please."

Peter sat silently beside him, wondering why James's dad had changed race and located a wife within the space of a single episode, and why nobody else appeared to have noticed.

*****

Lily was getting some books out of her locker when James stopped by, wearing his best lettered sports jacket. He was captain of all the sports teams, so he had several.

"Hey," he said, breathlessly.

"Hey," she said, equally breathlessly, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.

They stared at one another in silence for a full minute and thirty-six seconds.

"So, about the dance," James began, but he was interrupted by the Local Bitch, who marched over and came to a halt beside them, towering above Lily on the ten inch heels that marked her out as the Local Bitch.

"Listen, jailhouse brat," said the Local Bitch, in a cruel reference to the criminal activities of Lily’s father, who was languishing in prison as they spoke. "I'm the queen around here."

"You're queen of a high school?" said Lily, quirking an eyebrow.

"And don't even think of trying out for the cheerleading squad," Local Bitch sighed, tossing her hair over her shoulder.

"I don't want—"

"Because you won't get in, not with your Quasimodo-esque posture and _those_ brazenly tragic split ends."

"You think the audience will be looking _that_ closely?" said Lily, smirking, because a professional hair and makeup team readied her for the day every morning, and she'd never had a split end in her life.

"It's called standards, Jean Valjean?" Local Bitch sighed impatiently. "Something you _clearly_ don't know about, squandering your meaningless peasant days in your squalid little shack." Lily's 2 million dollar townhouse was nothing in comparison to Local Bitch's haunted mansion. "The Hogwarts Hogs—"

"Hogwarts _Hogs?"_

"—are under the watchful eye of moi, Felicia Fatale, and my loyal troupe of Earth Hogs." She smiled through her impossibly thick lipstick. "Word to the wise, don't ruffle my feathers if you don't want to know how hard I can claw."

Then Local Bitch winked seductively at James, flipped her hair over her shoulder and sashayed away. Nobody said "Bye Felicia" because that was too much of a cliché, and the writers of _Hogwarts High_ prided themselves on their originality.

James shook his head in disbelief. "What was all that about?"

"No idea," said Lily. She glanced down at the stack of textbooks in her arms. "And why do I have these books?"

"Beats me," said James. "It's not like we ever to go to class."

*****

"A whiskey on the rocks and keep 'em coming," grumbled 16-year-old Sirius to the bartender.

The bartender immediately fetched Sirius a whiskey on the rocks and didn't ask to see any ID. Perhaps it was because Sirius had chosen to drink in the Secret Sibling Hotel, which his father owned, and the bartender didn't want to get on the wrong side of an obvious mob boss. Perhaps the bartender simply didn't care if this clearly troubled child drank himself into a stupor. Perhaps it was because Sirius was played by a 28-year-old actor. It was difficult to tell.

*****

Lily sat on the beach in the dark of night, crying and swigging booze from a silver hip flask, because how else were the audience going to know that she was drinking hard liquor? Glass bottles were for a rip roaring good time, but hip flasks catered exclusively to tortured souls.

She wiped her chin with an exaggerated movement and blinked out at the horizon, ignoring a call from her mother.

Her mom was always bothering her, asking her how she was feeling, offering to take her to a therapist so she could talk about her issues and reminding her to eat well and come home before curfew. Lily missed her dad, who had been cool and fun and let her do whatever she wanted. She was so mad at her mother that she wished she could scream and throw all of their lawn furniture into the pool, only she no longer had a pool, or lawn furniture, because her father was a criminal who had financially crippled her family with his lies and deceit.

Goddamn her mom. She was the _worst._

She decided to call James and ask him to meet her, but her plan was ruined when a call from an unknown number came through on her phone. With one last gulp from her hip flask, she sucked in a breath and answered it.

"Lily," came the voice of her disappointing ex-boyfriend, Chad Broseph Whiteman, who she had dramatically broken up with when her mother decided to move the family to Hogwartsville. "Guess what?"

"What?" she said glumly.

"I'm transferring to Hogwarts High!"

Lily gasped, and dropped her phone in the sand.


	3. "we'll meet again when our cars collide"

It was early in the morning when Remus decided to open his favourite website, Slander Slut, Hogwarts High's one and only source into the scandalous lives of Hogwartsville's elite.

The headline at the top of the page grabbed his attention immediately.

_Spotted: One flame-haired former-heiress reconnecting with a different kind of flame. Is this spark about to blaze into an inferno? Make sure you stand back from the blast, XOXO, Slander Slut._

Beneath the headline was a picture of Lily Evans, standing next to a tall, broad-shouldered generic white man who Remus knew, thanks to his mother the mayor, was Chad Broseph Whiteman, the son of a major political figure.

"Oh my god!" Remus gasped, forgetting in his absolute and perfectly sincere shock that he was, in fact, Slander Slut, and in roughly fifty-seven episodes it would be retconned that he'd written that very post a mere three hours earlier.

*****

"Didn't someone die last week?" ventured Peter, who was allowed to have lines on a temporary basis. Once again, all four of the boys were on the couches at school, nursing their coffees and not going to class. "Weren't we supposed to be investigating that?"

"Yeah," said Sirius, "but this week is finals, so we've gotta study."

"It's September 23rd," said Peter listlessly.

*****

The day of Cole's funeral had arrived, and the four boys were standing directly beside his grave as his coffin was lowered into the ground, having been given preferential treatment over Cole's parents, siblings, and everyone else who had ever known and loved him.

James was pretending to feel sad about the death of this random person he'd never met before in his life when he looked up and saw Lily Evans, standing directly on the other side of the grave in a black dress that showed only legs—as opposed to her usual cleavage and legs, because funerals were a sombre occasion—and dabbing her damp cheeks with a tissue. 

As James watched, a tall, broad-shouldered generic white man who, James could instinctively tell, was selfish, possessive and didn't _get_ Lily at all, placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

She caught James's eye and shook her head slowly.

In that instant, James knew that he had lost her.

As Imogen Heap's distorted acapella played over the service, James flung himself into the grave.

*****

"Hey man!" said Chad Broseph Whiteman, shaking James's hand at the wake. "Sick dive into the grave, bro!"

Then he walked off to play beer pong with some of the other local bros. At a wake.

"So that's your boyfriend?" said James.

"He... _was_ my ex, but he transferred," Lily explained sadly. A single lock of hair was out of place and drooped over her forehead to indicate that she was wracked by emotional turmoil. "To be with me."

"I see," said James.

"I felt like I had to give him another chance."

"I see."

"It's complicated."

"I understand."

"No, but really, if he hadn't—if _I_ hadn't. It's just...complicated," she sighed.

It really wasn't that complicated. Lily had dumped Chad because she didn't like him anymore, but they'd just been greenlit for a twenty-two episode season, so she and James would have to circumvent an unnecessary number of pointless obstacles before they could finally get together in the finale.

"I guess you've made your choice, even if you didn't have the guts to tell me to my face," said James coldly, before he walked off to talk to his friends. 

It was pretty big talk for a guy who had just thrown himself into an open grave, mid-funeral, in a childish bid for attention.

*****

Lily sadly fingered the solo cup earrings that Chad Broseph Whiteman had given her as a gift as she sat on a chair in her new therapist's waiting room.

"This is for the best," said her mother.

"I don't need _therapy,_ mom," said Lily, rolling her eyes.

"If you're not ready to start today, we can leave." Her mother's eyes were filled with tears. "All I want to do is support you, Lily. If that means taking you to therapy, not taking you to therapy, talking to you, giving you space, just tell me what it is you need. All I want is for you to be happy."

"Maybe I _would_ be happy if you'd stuck by Dad?"

"Sweetheart, he defrauded his clients out of millions and left us destitute."

"Stop _suffocating_ me," Lily replied, looking at her phone.

It was so embarrassing to have a mom who cared as much as hers did. It made Lily's binge drinking and constant claims that her mother was "the worst" feel really shallow.

The door to the therapist's office opened and the therapist, Dr. Ray Jean Stalka (Adam Brody) stepped out.

"Right this way," he said pleasantly.

Lily got up and walked through the door. As Dr. Stalka closed the door behind her, he made a creepily intense face—much like an instantly smitten stalker would make—that only the camera could see. 

It indicated danger ahead.

*****

"Sirius, this is Joey 'the Shiv' Moretti and Francis 'Ice Pick' Barone," said Sirius's father, surrounded by a cloud of cigar smoke, indicating across the poker table to two shady gangsters. "They're my, uh, business associates."

"What do they do?" said Sirius suspiciously.

"We, uh, we write children's books," said Joey the Shiv, to appreciative laughter from the guys.

Sirius's lip curled in disgust. "You're both just as bad as my father!"

"Your kid needs to learn some respect," said Ice Pick, with a menacing grin.

Sirius dashed from the warehouse in anger, dodging hanging meat hooks as he ran, and didn't stop running until he reached the old abandoned adult video store, his favourite secret hangout. He ducked behind the counter to remove a bottle of whiskey from his secret stash, but was surprised to find a thick white envelope that hadn't been there the night before.

The front of the envelope read: _Sirius_

Sirius opened it. It contained a series of clues and messages from Cole's killer that would easily reveal his identity!

"This makes sense," Sirius muttered to himself. "Criminals regularly do this."


End file.
